My Struggle with Infertility

The majority of our friends and family know that Adam and I have been wanting to have kids for the last 4 years, although unsuccessfully. While this struggle does affect both of us, I to share my thoughts on the subject.

Infertility is on my mind a lot, perhaps more so this weekend because not only did we attend a wonderful conference on adoption this weekend, but I found out, yet again, that pregnancy is not in our future, at least not this month. Although for the most part, I take this in stride, I do have my sad days.

As I have told many of my female family members and girl friends, my own struggle with infertility has not affected the happiness I feel for them when they find out they are expecting and when they give birth to their own sweet little babies. I am so extremely happy for them! But I still cry. When my sister called me to tell me that she and her husband were expecting, I laid on the floor and cried after I hung up with her. When one of my friends almost immediately became pregnant once the decision was made to have a child, I cried. I don't want anyone to think that such information should not be told to me, because, as I said before, it is such joyful news, and I am so happy for my friends and family who are able to have children and are able to experience such a wonderful thing! And I'm so happy that they've let me be a part of that portion of their lives, that they let me hold their babies and ooh and aah over them and watch them grow! It really helps a lot with the grieving and healing process, and I am so grateful to these wonderful family members and friends. You will never know the happiness that you have brought to me!

As the years have gone by, I slowly feel myself getting stronger. I have a strong conviction that this is a trial that is meant specifically for me - one of those big trials that we all have that is making us stronger. I've led an extremely charmed and blessed life, but it's hard sometimes to come to terms with the fact that the thing I want most in this world is the thing that I am currently being denied. I've always wanted to be a mom. I am the oldest of five and very early in life developed a strong maternal instinct. Out of my group of friends, I was considered to be the most "motherly". So, to realize that I don't get to have that yet is hard to deal with sometimes.

I try not to get excited when I am perhaps a few days late. I try not to read too much into it when I begin to exhibit tell-tale pregnancy signs (although, unhappily, these signs seem to be very similar to pre-menstrual signs). But, as the days go by, I can't help but read into the signs. I can't help but get a little excited at the prospect of taking a pregnancy test and having it be positive. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined telling my wonderful husband that he is going to be a dad, or telling my parents and siblings that they will be grandparents, aunts and uncles. I've imagined what it would be like to go through a pregnancy - I want to experience the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the labor. I want to feel the life growing inside me and get a big, pregnant belly. I want to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I want to see our newborn child and the characteristics he or she has that is more like Adam or more like me. And then, after all of these thoughts go through my head, I find out that it is not to be right now, and my world comes crashing down. I can't help but feel like I have a broken body that doesn't work right.

Adam and I have always been open to the idea of adoption, regardless of whether or not we have our own children. To be able to bestow love and affection on a child that is in need of a loving, eternal home would be a wonderful thing. As time went on and we still had no children, we decided to very seriously consider adoption. As of September of this year, we are officially in the process of being approved by the agency and the state to be adoptive parents. It's a very exciting time in our lives, and it's given us both a great sense of hope and purpose. We have had such love and support from all of our family and friends. I can't express my gratitude to everyone who has voiced happiness in our decision, or listened patiently as we explained all of the details of this journey. It brings such joy into my life to have such wonderful people around me who are so concerned about our welfare.

I am so happy we attended the conference this weekend. In a way, it was nice to know that there are many people out there that are experiencing the same thing. I do still have my questions and concerns. It's hard for me to think that if we adopt, the only way for me and Adam to receive a child is if a birth mother makes the amazingly selfless sacrifice of placing her child for adoption. I worry about how to set the correct boundaries for an open adoption, because although I do feel that an open adoption is better than a closed one, I wonder what will work best for the child, for us, and of course, for the birth mother (and father). There are many things to consider and think about, but through it all, I am so grateful for a loving Father who knows all and knows what is best for each of us. I am confident that he will guide us through the process and that someday, one of his daughters who is looking for an eternal family for her child will find us and that it will be a perfect match. Our eternal family will form as it is meant to be. I am so grateful for adoption. I know that it is a righteous cause. One person who spoke at the conference said that she has a very strong impression that when a couple cannot have their own children, it doesn't mean that they are broken. God does not make mistakes, and he creates some people that way so that they can offer an eternal home to His other children who are in need of it. I really believe that. I know that for all of us who struggle with infertility, there is a reason for it. It is making us stronger. It is giving us the opportunity to be a help to someone who needs it. And I am grateful for that. No matter how much it hurts sometimes, I am grateful.

As for infertility for us specifically, who knows? Miracles do happen, and we've never been told flat out that we can't have children. Sometimes it's hard to keep moving forward with all of the tests and temparature taking. It's not a difficult thing physically to go through all of the medical stuff, but it can be so draining emotionally. But, we have to do everything in our power, don't we? So, I will keep on going. I will continue to consider my medical options while I continue to fill out the adoption paperwork. And someday, the payoff will come and the joy will be so sweet. It will be worth it.