Our Claire's Story

It's hard to believe that it's been exactly one month since our precious little girl was born. We're always thinking about her to some extent or another, but I've been thinking about things even more the last couple of days and feel like it's time to tell our Claire Bear's story.

On Tuesday, November 9th, I was home by myself when I started to have contractions at 12:30 p.m. I wasn't sure if it was the real deal since I'd been feeling cramps on and off for a few weeks anyway, but right from the beginning they were coming about 10 minutes apart and getting stronger. I was online chatting with Adam, so at 1:00 p.m. I told him what was going on, and then I would message him whenever I had a contraction. Our doctor had previously told us that once contractions were about five minutes apart for two hours, we should give him a call. So, while they continued, I started tidying up a few things. At around 2:30, I called the doctor's office and I was told to come in to the office first to do an exam before heading to the hospital. I was so excited! The last couple of weeks had been dragging because I knew that any day Claire could make an appearance. Now I was actually in labor! I let Adam know to come and get me, and I called my friend at work to let her know that our dog needed a place to stay that night. :) By the time Adam got home, the contractions were painful enough that I had to sit down and hold still while I got through them. We loaded a couple of things in the car and off we went!

The whole way to the doctor's office, the contractions were becoming more consistent and longer. It's funny - I've never been so happy to be in pain. :) For so long I had been looking forward to going through pregnancy and labor, and now here I was, in the final stage. I can't tell you how many times I imagined the drive to the hospital, and it seemed surreal that now it was actually happening. By the time we got to the doctor's office, my contractions were between 30 seconds to a minute long and about 4-5 minutes apart.

I never realized how quickly my world could come crashing down until that visit to the doctor. I was having my exam and everything seemed great, but when the doctor checked for our Claire's heart beat, he couldn't find it. I remember squeezing Adam's hand, hoping and praying that very soon I would hear that beautiful sound that I had looked forward to hearing at each doctor's appointment, but it never came. The doctor didn't say much at that point, but told us that we needed to hurry to the hospital and he would meet us there.

I've never prayed so hard in my life. At this point we knew something was seriously wrong, and I was praying for a miracle. When we arrived at the hospital, we were quickly taken back to a labor and delivery room where our doctor and 4-5 nurses were waiting. It was a flurry of activity as they prepared me for an emergency c-section and wheeled in two different ultra-sound machines to check on Claire. Time began to slow down for me as I kept waiting for them to find some sign that she was still with us, but it never came. Eventually, our doctor came and sat next to Adam and I and said that our little girl had passed away. The radiologist came in a few minutes later to confirm this on the ultra-sound machine, and then everybody but our doctor and one nurse left.

The doctor told us that it was going to be better for my body's healing process to deliver the baby rather than have a c-section, which I appreciated. At this point, there was no reason to open my body up to surgery, but I was terrified as well. How on earth was I supposed to go through labor when there was no light at the end of the tunnel? I was told that I could have whatever medication I wanted to get me through and to make me as comfortable as possible.

By the time this was all done, it was about 4:00 p.m. The rest of the afternoon was a bit of a blur. Up to this point, I had hardly felt my contractions at all due to an adrenaline rush, but now they came back full force. Labor is definitely one of the worst pains I have felt - I feel like the contractions themselves are bearable, but the consistency with which they come is not! Given different circumstances, I'm sure I could have powered through if I really wanted to, but each time a contraction would hit it's peak, I would start to feel angry and upset, which didn't help matters. I was given some morphine to help ease the pain, and then around 7:00 p.m., I received an epidural. Oh wonderful, sweet epidural! I am such a HUGE fan! After that, I felt no pain at all, and I'm so glad that I was able to have time with Adam to talk and to ponder and contemplate everything without being in physical pain.

That evening, our Bishop and his wife came to visit with us, and that was the most wonderful thing they could have done for us. They stayed for a couple of hours and we just talked about whatever came to mind. It was so helpful to talk about other things, as well as to talk about Claire. It was nice to just have a conversation and realize that life goes on.

I got a little hazy on the timing of everything after this point, but I think somewhere around 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. I was fully dilated. The pushing went extremely well and fast - Claire was born on November 10, 2010 at 3:00 a.m. exactly. Giving birth to my little girl was the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life. I had tried to imagine what it would be like up to that point, but it was even more amazing than I had imagined, and it's hard to find words to describe it. Although I had been nervous about delivering her when I wasn't going to be able to keep her, it turned out to be absolutely beautiful, and I'm so glad I got to experience it.

After she was born, the nurse placed Claire on my stomach, and Adam and I were in awe. She looked so peaceful, and she had so much dark brown hair! We were able to spend six precious hours with our little girl, during which time we held her, took pictures, the nurse bathed her, and I helped dress her. Even though I said that giving birth to her was the most beautiful experience of my life, this time we spent with her was close, if not even more beautiful. Of course, it was hard in ways to know that our time was limited, but we're so very grateful that we had the time that we did. Eventually, though, we had to say our goodbyes.

I stayed in the hospital for one more day. Adam's parents flew up that day, and my family started driving up and arrived on Friday. Adam was amazing and took care of all of the funeral arrangements. We had so much support from our ward and from so many family members and friends. We could feel the prayers that were being offered on our behalf, and it helped us so much to feel the love and support of so many.

Our little girl was buried on November 15, 2010. We had her buried wearing a long, white dress, wrapped in a beautiful white blanket that her Aunt Kyrenia had given her that she got in Jerusalem. Our nickname for Claire is Claire Bear, so we also buried her with a small stuffed polar bear and a note from us. We had a graveside service and elected not to have an open casket because we had been able to say our goodbyes and wanted to remember her that way. There were so many people that came to the service, and it helped us immensely to feel such love. Our Bishop spoke and he did a wonderful job - he said some things that were very comforting and inspiring. Adam dedicated the grave and our fathers gave the opening and closing prayers.

In most circumstances, none of us have control over death. In fact, the same is true of the beginning of life. I've never felt so helpless as I did when I was pregnant - the only things that I could do was to take care of myself and hope for the best - I had no control over how our baby was growing. It's so hard to feel so helpless, because as humans, we want to be able to do something to make things go the way we want them to. Unfortunately, we do not always have control over what happens in our lives, but in times like these, my faith in God's plan gets me through. He has a plan for each of us, and although we are able to choose our own paths in life, there are certain trials and hardships that are given to all of us that we cannot avoid. They are given to us because God knows that if we seek out His help through those trials, they will make us stronger and make us into better people. As I've tried to remain positive, to be submissive to the Lord's will and to realize that His ways are just, I have felt myself grow stronger and more firm in my faith in His plan.

This is a hard story to tell, a very personal story to tell, but I want to share it because not only is it good for me, but I want to share my feelings regarding this life with anyone who wishes to read it. I know that this is not the end. Of course I am sad that I don't have my Claire with me right now, that during my life here I will not be able to raise her. I was so excited to raise her - when I was carrying her, I would talk to her all the time about all of the things we would do together and what I would teach her. I miss holding her in my arms and things feel so empty at home in a way because the things I imagined I would be doing with her right now are not happening. But I do know that her spirit lives on. I know that time will heal our hearts, and that although we will always miss our Claire, all will be well. She is a part of our eternal family and always will be. Someday, I will get to raise my daughter. I will not miss out on any of the experiences I was looking forward to - they will just be delayed for a time. I've always looked forward to the Resurrection, but even more so now as it has become more personal. How I look forward to the day when our sweet Claire's spirit will be reunited with her baby body, and we will get to hold her and kiss her again! We all are touched by death in this life, and sometimes it happens much earlier than we expected, but what a wonderful thing it is to know that death is not the end, but a temporary separation. Not only will we all be resurrected, but if we live our lives the best that we can and are sealed in the Lord's Holy Temples, we can be united with our loved ones forever. This recent experience has made me realize even more how important it is to do temple work for my ancestors so that they may have the opportunity for the same blessings. I also realize how important it is to share this message with those around me - everyone deserves to hear the wonderful message that we can live eternally with our loved ones and how this can be accomplished.

The marker for our Claire's grave was just installed this week, and it is nice to have everything done. I love having the marker there, because it's like a notice to the world that our Claire was here on this earth. She is buried in a spot of the memorial park that is specifically for children, and it makes us happy to know that her body is resting with those of so many other amazing spirits. Whenever I am having a sad day, or if I just miss her, I visit her grave and talk to her, and it feels wonderful. It brings such comfort and peace to me to go there.

I loved being pregnant, and it was such a good pregnancy. I am so glad that it went so well, especially now. Those nine months were the only time I got with my little Claire here on earth, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed every minute of it. Even when I was sick, or tired, or in pain, I always had a wonderful feeling, knowing that I was carrying my little girl. I loved to feel her kick and move around. I loved talking to her and reading to her - we had "conversations" with each other - I would talk and she would kick in response. :) She was so real to me from the beginning. The night before she passed away, she was kicking and squirming more than usual. Even though I obviously can't say for sure, I like to think that she knew she was leaving me, and because she knew how much I loved to feel her kick, that was her way of saying goodbye for now, and to let me know how much she loves me.


Claire Rekeia Palmer
Born: November 10, 2010 at 3:00 a.m.
6 pounds, 6 ounzes, 20 inches long